What do you do if your partner doesn’t share your view about responsible distance or hygiene protocols? If they deny the seriousness of the situation, minimize the impact of the virus, or insist that they’re not at risk or a risk to you or others? To increase your chances of a conversation rather than a dispute, consider these suggestions: Once you agree on a time you’re both open to talk, temporarily shake off your worries, put away your phones and devices, and focus completely on one another. Agree to listen first before responding, and try to respond with a validating comment before you say anything else, like, “I can see why you would feel that way and want that from me.” For example, expressing your feelings about COVID-19 might sound like: “I’ve been feeling vulnerable, scared, angry, and sad. I want to do what I can to stay safe and keep others safe from this disease. I need your help because I want to stay connected to you. It would help me if you’d consider adjusting certain behaviors.” This is very different from saying, “I can’t believe you’re still going on that trip, how idiotic can you get!” or “You were always obsessive-compulsive about germs, I’m used to this with you!” In Relating Revolution, Kris and Meenal Kelkar advise partners to “speak from the heart; speak leanly; speak spontaneously in an unrehearsed manner; and listen with an open heart.” Keep this in mind when you sit down to have any important or difficult discussion. If this is the case with your partner around the issue of COVID-19, chances are, you’ve already had some challenges with lack of communication in the past, collaborating as a couple, accepting each other’s influence gracefully, and being interdependent in a way that allows you to feel secure and safe. It may just be that this new, high-stakes issue—where your and other people’s health (and for some, even their life) is at risk—has brought a hidden “relationship deal-breaker” to the surface. If this is the case with you and your partner, perhaps it’s time to seriously look at your shared values. Does your partner value freedom and autonomy at the expense of safety and collaboration? Talk with them about your values, and ask them to share theirs. Try to understand their values, and help them understand yours. If your partner is unable to integrate your value of safety and responsible action in a time of global crisis into their value system and do their part to reduce the risk of catching or carrying the virus, you may need to consider the possibility that COVID-19 is unmasking an irreconcilable difference between you. This difference would likely have surfaced sooner or later. How you choose to handle this reality—which may not be an easy choice to make—becomes less of an issue with your partner and more of a matter of how you let go of a relationship that isn’t serving you so you can take care of yourself.
