But desire discrepancy isn’t always about one person wanting sex more often than the other does. Sometimes, according to holistic sex coach Pamela Joy, M.A., it’s actually just a matter of two people having different types of desire—aka different ways of accessing turn-on. “Culturally we tend to think there’s just one model, and that’s I get sexual stimulus, and I’m totally ready for sex. That model is called spontaneous desire,” Joy explains. “It just means I’m like, oh! The visuals or somebody asked me to have sex and, yup, I’m ready. You kind of go from zero to 100 right away.” In comparison, here’s how Joy explains responsive desire: The problem arises when the couple makes comparisons between each other and judges the person with responsive desire for not having spontaneous desire. “They don’t work like you,” Joy says. “If your goal is to have them want sex, you might need to let that go.” For the person with the responsive desire, Joy says the main thing to do is to figure out how to access your turn-on (with or without your partner). You don’t get turned on spontaneously like your partner does, so what does turn you on? “Maybe I feel good about my body when I exercise. Maybe it is not having stupid underwear but having cute underwear. Maybe I need 30 minutes of cuddling before I even start to think about being sexual,” Joy says. “Maybe I need my husband to do bedtime with the kids, and I need to take a bubble bath.” She also suggests listening to erotic audio stories for women (there are apps for that!) or even watching steamy shows like Outlander before heading to bed. Whatever works for you! When you know what turns you on, you can access it whenever you want rather than waiting for sexual desire to spontaneously show up for you—because your body might just not work that way, and that’s cool. Different strokes for different folks. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
