You see, for years my hours, days, and weeks were organized around controlling my food, my exercise, and my body weight and shape. Evening plans with friends were routinely turned down to allow for my nightly date with the gym treadmill. Eating out became a stressful and unpleasant social activity and required desperately scouring the menu for the safest food option available. Friends would dive into the all-you-can-eat sushi menu while I feasted on my side dish of pickled ginger. The deeper into this world you enter, the more you leave behind reality and physical and emotional presence in the “real” world. Before recovery, my life was dictated by where, when, how, and what I could or couldn’t eat. Finally surrendering to eating three meals a day, every day, was both the scariest and most freeing step I had to take toward getting back a life worth living. It took a long time to get where I am today, but here’s what I can share about eating three healthy, balanced, normal-sized meals a day: I don’t have to fight through the day on willpower, or spend all afternoon making trips to the fridge. I don’t have to become weak from low blood sugar only to devour half the kitchen cupboard later on. There are definitely moments I struggle — days I don’t want to eat or meals I feel I will never be able to stop eating; times when I eat consecutive snacks or seek out food to alleviate feelings of boredom, anxiety, stress, or fatigue. I have to forgive myself for these times and constantly remind myself that my body is not my enemy. I’ve spent years treating it as a loathsome thing to be conquered and mercilessly torn apart. My body is a lot wiser than I am and more complex than my mind will ever fully grasp. This is a daily reminder because my default mode is to criticize and condemn my body. But just as it took time for me to surrender to eating normal-sized, balanced meals, I trust that the journey of self-love and self-acceptance is happening in its own time as well. One day at a time, I eat my meals graciously with the knowledge that doing so has given me more of a life than “thin” ever did. Benazir loves to explore, ask the big questions, seek out the spiritual and magical in the world and is passionate about helping others and creating positive change for people and the planet. She is the voice behind Generation Wh(Y) and a columnist at UYD Media. You can also find her on Twitter @benazirgrace and @oldsoul1991.
