Pushing off these domestic tasks once in a while isn’t a big deal. Perhaps your partner was in a lazy mood that evening, or they had a lot going on at work taking away time from tending to home responsibilities. Totally fair. But if they are consistently demonstrating this behavior, these one-sided actions may actually be weaponized incompetence in action—and a big contributor to domestic inequality. “The reason it is weaponized is because the partner places the responsibility back onto the other partner to complete the tasks, and it is intended for them to complete for future occasions,” psychotherapist and certified couples’ therapist Lee Phillips, Ed.D., LCSW, CST, tells mbg. Here’s how licensed clinical psychologist Holly Schiff, Psy.D., defines the concept: “Weaponized incompetence is when your partner attempts to avoid doing unpleasant tasks by pretending not to be able to do them, doing them poorly, or just being incompetent. This forces you to have to do it by yourself and pick up the slack. Over time, this will create a lot of additional mental baggage and workload, which will cause relationship tension, friction, and stress.” These actions perpetuate a flawed dynamic in the relationship: By feigning mediocrity, the incompetent partner actively shows they aren’t genuine in their attempts to be better or do better. Meanwhile, the other partner is forced to step up and take over those tasks, creating resentment because they feel unseen and taken for granted. Indeed, in a 2016 study, researchers studied 6,300 different-sex couples and noted couples’ division of labor—paid and unpaid—was more highly associated with the risk of divorce than any other economic factor. Weaponized incompetence is a tactic as old as time, but it’s recently entered the zeitgeist as an identifiable concept in the last few decades. There have been many terms describing weaponized incompetence and the way it enables an unfair division of labor—some early iterations of the term originally described the phenomenon as it exists in the workplace, such as a 1986 Harvard Business Review article about “skilled incompetence,” where one’s avoidance of conflict led to organizational havoc, and a 2008 Wall Street Journal piece about “strategic incompetence” wherein workers feign ignorance to get out of doing undesirable tasks. In the domestic sphere, weaponized incompetence relates to other concepts like the mental load and emotional labor, which are used to cite common instances of inequitable and often invisible division of child care and household tasks. Phillips also shares some remarks that a partner weaponizing incompetence may make when they’re asked to do something or take on a responsibility of some kind: If you think they’re lying about their abilities or they’re gaslighting you, pay attention to those signals. (And note, weaponized incompetence can also happen subconsciously—but that doesn’t make it any less manipulative.) “Open communication and setting boundaries will be key in addressing and dealing with weaponized incompetence in a romantic relationship,” she says. “Delegation and setting up clear and agreed-upon standards will ensure that both partners are taking ownership of specific tasks and that responsibilities are balanced and equal.” Don’t be disheartened if it doesn’t feel like you’re making a lot of progress at first. Schiff points out it’ll require multiple dialogues and continuous open communication to remove this dynamic from the relationship. Weaponized incompetence isn’t so cut-and-dried either. “Even though you think your partner may be using weaponized incompetence, make sure this is really what it is. You don’t want to accuse them of something they are not doing,” Phillips says. That’s why a transparent conversation where you’re willing to hear out both sides is essential. Phillips points out your partner may be harboring codependent tendencies that make them feel like they’re not able to complete a task without your help. If that’s the case and you’re open to working with them, support them so they feel empowered to be an equal contributor. “Look at it like an opportunity to teach them. You never know; this can be an intimacy builder.” However, Schiff says the point at which you should consider it a deal-breaker is if it continues to be a persistent problem even after you have openly discussed how you are feeling and if they have made no effort to adjust their behavior. One person can’t do all the work in the relationship—not even to save it. You deserve to have a relationship marked with genuine reciprocation and mutual teamwork.
