The intent behind the karezza method is to deepen the sexual and emotional connection, according to certified clinical sexologist Randi Levison. The practice “teaches couples to focus on the entire being, not just a body part,” she says. “It’s all about relaxing and being in the present moment.” The practice has also been known by the Latin name “coitus reservatus,” although this is slightly different from true karezza, because coitus reservatus only involves the penetrating partner withholding from orgasm while encouraging the receptive partner to still have them. Like tantric sex and other more sensual sexual practices, the karezza method has gained popularity over the years with couples who find that it brings true intimacy and connection back to their relationships. For people who tend to feel anxious during sex (which can often be tied to feelings of inadequacy surrounding sexual performance), turning away from the O-goal can feel like a weight lifted. When sex becomes about the journey and not the destination, space is given to really enjoy each sensation for what it is without becoming anxious about where it is leading. In other words, the time spent on connecting during karezza might be a healing balm on one’s relationship. For people who were brought up to separate sex and faith, karezza can be a way to begin to reconcile the two. “If you are novices, choose a time when you can both be all alone, unhurried, and free from interruptions. Concentrate yourselves entirely on your love and joy and the blending of yourselves into one. Let the room be warm, the surroundings pleasant and esthetic; and be as unhampered by clothing as possible,” he writes. Adolphe adds, “Make sure you have ample time, no distractions such as phones turned on or television, as you want to be fully present.” “Karezza requires preparatory mental exercise,” Lloyd writes. “It requires first the understanding and conviction that the spiritual, the caressive, the tender side of the relation is much more important, much more productive of pleasure in fact, than the merely sexual, and that throughout the whole relation the sexual is to be held subordinate to this love side as its tool, its agent, its feeder. Sex is indeed required to furnish all it has to the feast, but strictly under the leadership of and to the glory of love. … Let both of you think more about your love than your passion; translate your sex-passion as much as possible into heart-passion.” He also emphasizes the importance of beginning from a place of gentleness rather than a feeling of intensity or sexual excitement. Think relaxing hygge vibes rather than fiery lust vibes. Place a heavy emphasis on communication. Ask your partner what feels good and how the sensations feel in their body. As you touch each other, tell the other where they should linger with their touch. Be direct about what maximizes your pleasure. Don’t be afraid to get intimate! (Lloyd’s advice in this area is directed at men with a female partner but can easily be adapted for use by people of any genders.) “Keep your thoughts on love, not passion,” Lloyd reminds. “Be utterly relaxed physically…hold the thought of Peace.” (Tantric yoni massage and tantric lingam massage might be great practices to try during karezza.) If you feel yourself nearing orgasm, back away from the activity that you’re engaged in and bring your focus back to the fact that karezza is focused on emotional connection and not climax. (For folks with a penis, it might help to practice semen retention alongside the karezza method.) “Most importantly be loving, kind, and patient with yourself and your partner. Slow, gentle, and tender are keywords to remember and help you on your karezza journey,” Adolphe says. Using the karezza method can ultimately bring you and your partner(s) closer together and widen your capacity to derive enjoyment from sex. It’s a space to be mindful of your partner as you explore this new way of relating to each other.
