When you’re in a relationship with someone who regularly stonewalls—or are prone to stonewalling yourself—it’s likely proactive communication is a challenge. Stonewalling can have troubling effects on relationships, but experts tell us there are ways to work around it. “Stonewalling is when, during an argument or disagreement, someone begins to shut down, withdraw from the conversation, and build a wall between themselves and the other person,” explains trauma-informed psychotherapist Ludine Pierre, LPCC. She says this tends to happen when the disagreement leaves you flooded with emotions or causes you to experience uncomfortable physiological responses. “In the moment, it might look like ignoring the other person, tuning out, or distracting yourself with another activity,” Pierre tells mbg, with the goal of creating emotional distance between you and your partner. During this time, understand you won’t be able to get through to them. “They have shut you out and will not communicate in any way with you,” Herzog says. Here are a few examples of behavior your partner may exhibit when stonewalling: After a conflict thrusts us into fight, flight, fawn, or freeze mode, our ability to reason goes out the window. That’s because the prefrontal cortex (the region at the front of your brain) checks out, and the amygdala—your brain’s fear center or “alarm system”—takes over, signaling your body to escape the triggering situation. You’re likely feeling quite stressed, so your body is activated, your blood is pumping, and your heart rate is increasing. “Not engaging with or ignoring the other person can make us feel like we’re in control again,” says Pierre, “so stonewalling is often used to regain some semblance of vindication, maybe even power.” But that’s not the only reason people resort to this behavior. Sometimes, she says, people stonewall to seek relief because they truly “feel stuck and are unable to engage with the other person in a meaningful and rational way.” Herzog points out that stonewalling “directly stops whatever confrontation is happening,” so it really can provide a sense of relief to the disgruntled person, even if it’s to their partner’s detriment. “[Stonewalling] is not effective or sustainable, and over time will erode any relationship,” Pierre asserts. However, complicated life experiences often make defensive behaviors hard to avoid. “It’s important to remember that when we don’t learn how to communicate properly within our relationships, we turn to the ‘skill’ we may have learned in order to survive in the past,” Herzog explains. That’s why she thinks stonewalling typically shows up later in relationships: If a couple has worked on communication long term with little to no improvement, “stonewalling becomes the mechanism one or both partners turn to during an argument to get away from the pain and stress of what they’re feeling.” While it’s OK to take space from your partner or an issue before discussing it, stonewalling shows a desire to detach from the relationship and conflict resolution. It can affect both partners physiologically, and it often escalates conflicts because of the reaction it elicits from the stonewalled person. Herzog says Gottman’s research indicates that the way partners argue truly matters to the long-term success of their relationship. Stonewalling doesn’t contribute anything positive. Instead, it creates an emotional disconnect between you and your partner. “It’s the epitome of turning away from the person you love, which can feel painful and frustrating.” Plus, stonewalling prevents couples from working together, so unaddressed core issues can easily snowball and break down what’s left of your foundation. To describe the communication issues his research predicts can end a relationship, Gottman dubbed them through a metaphor, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—love edition. Stonewalling is one of those four horsemen, which have been found to lead to breakups, alongside criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. When stonewalling occurs, Pierre notes that Gottman’s extensive research suggests both partners experience: And during this pause, Pierre says to do exactly that. “There’s no sense in thinking about what you were previously arguing about. It will only continue to keep your physiological response escalated,” which makes you more upset. When your body is activated and your “reasoning mind is on a coffee break,” Pierre thinks it’s best not to push through the conversation. You can: Instead of shutting down, she recommends trying to work with your partner when you’re calm to come up with a plan you both can agree to. Herzog says a couples’ therapist can help. Inviting a partner to attend couples’ therapy with you can feel scary and overwhelming, so start by customizing this script Herzog provides: “I’ve been worried about our relationship for a while, and I really feel like we deserve the opportunity to work on our marriage in a space that supports both of us. Are you open to going to couples’ therapy together?” If this feels daunting, you can simply say something like, “Hey, I feel so sad about how we’ve been fighting. I want to do better. Would you see a therapist with me so we can learn?” “Finding a way to communicate effectively is not a linear process, and it might feel wobbly and awkward at first,” shares Pierre. But she says the key is to release any judgments you may have and stick to the facts of the situation. When you’re ready to reengage, leading with empathy is the ideal approach. You can try Herzog’s example: “I know these conversations can overwhelm you, and I’m here to listen.” Pierre also stresses the importance of actually tuning in to what’s going on with your partner and calling out what you notice in a calm, nonjudgmental way. If your partner isn’t ready to let their wall down and needs space, she says to honor their request to take a break—because there’s no room for egos if you want to deescalate the situation and move forward. “While you’re probably experiencing your own feelings as a result of being [stonewalled], expressing that when someone is flooded may not be effective,” Pierre says. Instead, take a break, then come back to discuss it when everyone’s calm and open to receive feedback. Herzog says it’s important for the couple to be able to discuss the stonewalling behavior at some point, though, so that boundaries can be set around what forms of communication are and aren’t acceptable during conflicts. “The best thing you can do is reengage in a way that supports positive communication,” Herzog says, with an emphasis on understanding what each partner can do differently.
