Passive-aggressive behavior can be anything that avoids direct confrontation but still expresses a negative emotion, according to licensed marriage and family therapist Weena Cullins, LCMFT. She notes that this, of course, sends mixed signals to the person on the receiving end of the aggression, which can be confusing, frustrating, and lead to emotional distrust. Muñoz adds that it’s also difficult to prove someone is being passive-aggressive, which can make it even more confusing. As Muñoz adds, it can also result from being out of touch with your own anger, “because you judge it, dislike it, or fear it.” If you can’t accept your own anger—and take responsibility for it—she notes, it leaks out through your actions, words, and body language. “Often, it develops when people believe they need to control, hide, disguise or deny their anger in order to preserve their relationships with others,” she says. And sometimes, if a person has experienced rejection after being transparent in previous relationships, Cullins notes, it can discourage them from being direct in the future. “Some people even believe it’s a safe way to get what they want without sparking confrontation,” she previously explained to mbg, “while others aren’t even aware that their behavior is passive-aggressive.” She suggests questions like: Can you repeat what you just said? I want to make sure I heard you correctly. Or, Did you just offer me unsolicited advice about my weight/looks/relationship status? “Or you might simply say, ‘What exactly do you mean by that?’ she notes. When you do this, you’re challenging them to notice their words and actions—and how they affect you. “The point isn’t to try to make anyone admit they’ve been passive-aggressive. It’s to make sure you don’t lose your voice or your right to boundaries,” Muñoz adds. From there, they have a chance to understand their own motives and feelings, and so will you. And according to Cullins, it can also be worthwhile to make sure the person knows what passive-aggression looks like. This can lead to an honest and more productive discussion about their feelings and needs, she adds, and you can also make them aware of how their behavior affects you. “For example,” she suggests, “you might say, ‘It’s confusing when you tell me you are fine but your face looks angry. It makes me uncomfortable when I suspect that I don’t know how you really feel or what you need.’”
