But it’s especially important to be able to recognize unhealthy dynamics when you’re in them, so you can take the steps needed to get to a better place—whether that means rebuilding the relationship from the ground up or removing yourself from the situation completely. A relationship doesn’t necessarily need to involve “bad” people for it to become toxic. It’s more about whether the dynamic between the two partners allows both individuals to feel individually happy, nourished, empowered, and whole—consistently, in both the good times and the bad times. Generally speaking, a relationship that involves constant fighting, power imbalance, fear, or mistrust is likely toxic because of the way these dynamics can harm one or both people’s well-being and create instability in the relationship that isn’t sustainable long term. Additionally, there is no room for aggression, threats, attacks, or controlling behavior in a healthy relationship—and if these dynamics are at play in a relationship, it may no longer be safe to stay in at all. According to psychologist Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy, a toxic person is someone who consistently behaves in ways that harm others, whether intentionally or unintentionally. If there are unhealthy dynamics in your relationship that have been patterns in your past relationships as well, it’s very well possible that your behavior is what’s causing the consistent friction. It’s also possible that you’re simply in a unique situation that you’re responding to in a way that’s harmful to others and to your relationship. While no one wants to learn that they’re creating a toxic relationship culture, that self-awareness is the first step toward healing, breaking those negative habits, and outgrowing your harm-inducing responses. “There’s a difference between being toxic and acting toxic. The first is when it’s ingrained in our personality, and we actively enjoy hurting others; the second corresponds to aspects of our behaviors,” Neo explains. “The good news is, with a little self-reflection and asking for feedback from others, we can become aware of these habits and eradicate them so we can become better people.” “A toxic relationship can change if and only if both partners are equally committed to overcoming it with lots of open communication, honesty, self-reflection, and possibly professional help, individually and together,” trauma-informed relationship coach Julie Nguyen writes at mbg. “It will require each of you to examine your actions and do inner work. If you or your partner is not willing to truly put in the effort, the relationship will not change and should be ended.” If you think it’s a real possibility, here’s our full guide on how to fix a toxic relationship. Otherwise, here are the signs it’s time to break up. The one exception? If there’s any abusive behavior—whether that’s physical or emotional abuse—it’s likely the relationship cannot be mended without significant intervention. Couples’ therapy can be a helpful first step, but remember, your safety and well-being are the No. 1 priority. Leave the relationship if you feel unsafe; there are people and resources available to support you through the process if you need it. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They’re available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
