So let’s say you want to know what your partner’s fantasies are, but when you find out, they leave you feeling inadequate, disgusted, or just plain turned off? Here are some things to consider and try out as you open up the fantasy conversation: So, why do we have fantasies that aren’t in alignment with what we want in reality? My colleague Michael Bader aptly said that a good fantasy states the problem and offers the solution. In other words, whatever cultural obstacles or prohibitions you encounter in life you are allowed to explore in the realm of your imagination. The imagination, of course, is not always politically correct. For instance, a rape fantasy is just that: a fantasy of forced seduction. In a rape fantasy you never experience the dread that accompanies violence; instead, you are subverting the idea and transforming the meaning of that experience into a source of pleasure and excitement. The erotic mind is very sensitive to censorship, and it knows when it needs to go into hiding. Someone may promise never to have these thoughts or voice them again, but you can’t eradicate someone’s preferences because you don’t like them. So, if your partner reveals himself or herself to you, don’t shut them down. By shutting down the conversation, you are in effect saying, “I want you to open up but only on my terms.” That creates a power dynamic that is far removed from the inner erotic sanctum. Ask your partner about their particular fantasy. What is it about it your fantasy that is pleasurable? Is it that you get to be passive? Ruthless? Give over power? By remaining curious and open, we are asking the other: Who are you? We don’t have to understand them; we can simply find out more about who they are, which creates space, acceptance, and room for play. Want more insight into your sexuality? Find out the two types of passion (and which one is good for your sex life), then learn what the number of sexual partners you’ve had actually says about you. In a cover story, The New York Times named Perel the most important game changer on sexuality and relational health since Dr. Ruth. Her two critically acclaimed viral TED talks have reached over 16 million views in under 3 years and she has consulted on the award-winning Showtime drama, The Affair. In addition to Perel’s 34-year private practice in New York City, she is a licensed marriage and family therapist, an AASECT certified sex therapist, a member of the American Family Therapy Academy, and of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research. Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by following @EstherPerelOffical on Instagram.
