“It’s simply being unresponsive,” says somatic psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT. “It’s called ‘grey rock’ because you have that image in your mind of this grey, unmovable rock.” Campbell adds that the idea is that you engage with this person “in as limited a capacity as you can—in particular, being nonemotional and nondramatic.” When you “become” the grey rock, Richmond says, you don’t engage with this person or their behavior. Either you avoid interactions entirely or keep them super brief and unemotional. Richmond’s go-to phrase, for example, is, “I don’t find that very interesting.” You could also say things like, “I’m busy,” “Mhm,” or even shrug with no verbal response. “Using the grey rock method means that the narcissist can’t use their standard manipulation tactics. There’s not the emotional reaction they’re used to,” Campbell notes. “If the narcissist experiences failure, hopefully they move on to something else that will meet their ego’s needs.” Campbell specifically recommends this method for people in an entangled relationship with an emotionally controlling and manipulative narcissist. Richmond adds it can be used with anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries or is abusive in any way. “If someone is trying to be dominant or controlling, the grey rock method is a very effective practice in shutting people down, holding your own boundaries, and maintaining your own control,” she says. According to Richmond, it works in cases of extreme jealousy or possessiveness, someone trying to control who you’re with and where you’re going, and with people who are gaslighting you, to name a few examples. It also works when people try to incite drama, get any sort of rise out of you, and so on. When you do find yourself in the company of a narcissistic or abusive person, and you want them to leave you alone: disengage, disengage, disengage. As Richmond explains, most emotionally abusive people are looking for attention—and negative attention is better than no attention. So don’t give it to them! Along with keeping your responses short and unemotional, you can use nonverbal cues like avoiding eye contact and closed-off body language to signal you’re not interested in interacting. And on top of that, it’s a pretty straightforward and simple method that doesn’t involve much on your part. After all, the idea is to be as boring as a grey rock. In addition to that, if you’re the kind of person who is easily emotionally affected by people, this method might not be so easy. Campbell notes it can take a lot of discipline to master it. And lastly, in some cases, this method can have the opposite effect it’s intended to. “It can lead to some very negative reactions on the part of the narcissist,” Campbell says. And as Richmond adds, “You really have to pay attention to safety. For some people, this will make them escalate, so if the abusive person doesn’t immediately lose interest, they could use more harmful tactics to engage with you.” “You need to reach out and get support, and let someone else know what’s happening. On the low end of the spectrum that could be a friend or neighbor, on the high of the spectrum, the police,” Richmond says. In some cases, Campbell adds, it’s helpful to handle the conflict directly, potentially with the help of a therapist or mediator if healthy communication just doesn’t seem to be happening. And if all else fails, he says, “I’ve heard it’s helpful to get a coach—essentially somebody who’s experienced with narcissistic abuse and can be there as a support figure during the conflict.” The main thing here is to know your own boundaries and not put up with someone violating them. And if you think any escalation of the situation could go too far or become dangerous, remove yourself from the situation and get help immediately.
