A red flag in dating refers to an early sign of an unhealthy relationship or problematic partner, whereas a green flag is a behavior or personal quality that indicates the person you’re with will likely approach relationships in healthy, mature, and generally desirable ways in the future. The terms come simply from the idea that green means good to go, while red means stop and watch out. Red flags call attention to issues; green flags signal that you’re safe to proceed. So, let’s talk about some green flags in relationships—i.e., signs that you’re with someone who will probably make for a great partner: Active listening is a necessity for relationships to last in the long term. “When used in close relationships, active listening can foster an even deeper level of emotional intimacy,” licensed marriage and family therapist Tiana Leeds, M.A., LMFT, recently told mbg. “Essentially, it provides the speaker with the space and attunement to be able to be vulnerable, which can enhance relationships both in times of peace as well as conflict.” It’s inevitable that couples will disagree and unintentionally hurt each other from time to time, and being able to listen well and really make an effort to understand your partner’s perspective is key to healthy conflict resolution. So, a date who shows the ability to listen well early on is not only showing that they’re going to take the time to understand you deeply; they’re also showing that they’ll be able to hear you out in moments of conflict and really try to understand your side of the story. “The critical component is that both people are invested in [the relationship] and in a similar way,” relationship coach Shula Melamed recently told mbg. “Attendance is mandatory in a serious relationship—you need to show up every damn day. This is the first glimpse of that commitment.” Relationships will always require active effort and equal give-and-take from both parties. And fortunately, that’s a quality you can actually suss out fairly early on in a relationship. Relationships require this type of vulnerability in order for real intimacy to develop; people need to be willing to take emotional risks and open themselves up to the possibility of love (or rejection). A person who’s emotionally unavailable or afraid of intimacy is often trying to protect themselves from those risks—which doesn’t at all make them a bad person, but it does mean they’re preventing this particular relationship from deepening. In comparison, it’s a red flag if a person you’re seeing keeps you in the dark about their intentions for the relationship. A caring, mature partner doesn’t play games. “To give up the journey of self-discovery—at least some of which needs to occur during alone time—is to give up one of the richest dimensions of our lives. And our partnership will suffer, as we will,” psychotherapist Ken Page, LCSW, recently told mbg. So, it’s definitely a green flag if your partner supports your personal growth, hobbies, friendships, and general life outside your relationship. They give you space to nurture the other parts of your life that don’t involve them, and they’re happy to cheer you on as you pursue your personal goals and pleasures. Likewise, it’s a good sign if your partner has strong, long-standing relationships, hobbies, and goals outside of you. That makes them less likely to rely on you and your relationship for their happiness—which is a good thing! That’s too much responsibility for a person to have to be responsible for someone else’s feelings of wholeness, no matter how in love you are. According to research by psychologists John Gottman, Ph.D., and Robert Levenson, Ph.D., what sets happy couples apart from unhappy couples is that happy couples generally have a ratio of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. So, if you two generally enjoy being around each other and bring out the best in each other, and the vast majority of your time together feels positive and pleasurable, that’s a good sign for the relationship overall. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
