“The definition has many variants, as this is a wide umbrella term,” according to sex educator and professional dominatrix Lola Jean. “FLR can be any relationship that is not ‘male-led.’ In its most lenient format, [an FLR may be] more of an equal-power or varied-power exchange between partners. In its more extreme and perhaps traditional [form], FLR is a relationship where the female, or femme, is the decision-maker for the other partner. This could be anything from their finances to their attire to more menial tasks like chores.” Any of the below dynamics might be involved in an FLR, though not all need to be present for a relationship to be considered FLR: “We’ve seen many BDSM terms and concepts seep into mainstream culture,” sex therapist and researcher Gloria Brame, Ph.D., tells mbg. “FLR is another term that once specifically referred to a female-dominant/submissive-male dynamic but which can be understood by any feministic people.” As a kink, FLR gets much of its excitement and thrill from turning traditional gender roles on their head, Jean explains. Where our society still tends to view men as dominant and women as submissive, FLR consciously flips the scripts and indulges in a power dynamic that places women on top. That said, today’s culture is thankfully starting to shed its old gender norms in general. It’s becoming increasingly common for women to be the primary earners in their households and for relationships to seek more egalitarian grounds by consciously empowering the women in them. Nearly 30% of women in dual-income marriages make more money than their husbands, according to 2018 census data. It’s also becoming common for women to take the reins in the bedroom, even outside the world of BDSM. While a dominant woman may have previously been seen as a rarity or a kinky fantasy, today it’s much more mainstream. As such, many couples might find themselves accurately represented within the broadest definition of “FLR,” even if the term isn’t one they would necessarily use to describe themselves. This type of dynamic isn’t necessarily an FLR in the BDSM sense, though some people would still consider it an FLR insofar as it subverts traditional gender roles. “Everything is power. There are always power dynamics and exchanges present in any relationship, no matter if they identify it as BDSM or not,” Jean notes. “Anything can be D/s [aka a dominant-submissive relationship] if that is how you define it, though nothing is innately so—it all depends on how we categorize.” Depending on the dynamic the partners desire and agree to, the woman may have control over various parts of the relationship and the man’s life. This might include making all the big decisions in the relationship, having the final say in what they do or don’t spend money on, assigning most or all domestic responsibilities to the man, and/or being the chief orchestrator of their sex life. The partners may also explore power play or domination themes in their sex life, with the woman playing the dominant role and the man in the submissive role. In this type of FLR, typically the control has some limits or is only relevant in some parts of their lives but not all of it, or the partners shift in and out of the power dynamic as desired or needed. “When a BDSM dynamic is present, there is more likely to be negotiation, aftercare, check-ins on needs, and predetermined rituals or routines,” Jean adds. “This is more akin to TPE (total power exchange) that requires heavy negotiation and sometimes even a contract,” Jean explains, adding, “When done sanely and consensually, there should always be moments for check-in and renegotiation. Even if the submissive is adamant on TPE or ’no safe words’-type of mentality, an ethical Dominant will understand the balance.” Some men also specifically enjoy the feeling of being subordinated or even humiliated, in part because these feelings and experiences are considered so taboo in mainstream culture. It’s a similar reason some men enjoy cuckolding or ruined orgasms—it’s the power dynamic. Some women also simply get a sexual thrill from dominating and subjugating others, again because it’s so taboo to explore these dynamics in other parts of life. “Go about understanding your own desires first,” Jean says. “How do you want it to make you feel? What aspects of your/their life do you want to be up for control? What areas do you not want to be up for control?” It may be helpful to research FLR dynamics or general D/s relationship dynamics to understand what the possibilities are, what you want, and what you don’t want. There are sites and apps that are specifically geared toward finding partners who are interested in kink, BDSM, and specifically FLR, which may be good places to start your search if you’re just starting your exploration and know you’re only looking for partners who are game for this dynamic. Tell your partner what kind of dynamic you have in mind and what excites you about it, and allow them to indicate their interest level to you before proceeding into the details. An FLR is only possible with a fully willing partner, so back off if they say they’re not into it. Once you find a partner who’s game, you can discuss what you each are comfortable with and begin to incorporate elements of FLR into your relationship. Make sure to continue communicating and checking in regularly to ensure the dynamic is feeling good for both parties. “An FLR opens the door to greater equality among genders as old ideas about ‘real men’ are finally put to rest,” Brame says. “All people (cis and trans) feel empowered to choose the kind of relationship dynamic that works best for them and their partners, without pressure to conform to ideologies instead of what makes them happy.” With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
