According to psychiatrist Gail Saltz, M.D., people use deflection as a way to get someone else “off course,” so to speak, if they’re being criticized and feel the need to defend themselves. Typically, they’ll deflect onto the person calling them out, though they can also shift blame to an entirely separate person. (For example, a child getting scolded for making a mess might say, “Johnny started it.”) “The person who’s doing the deflecting may or may not be using some denial themselves in defense of whatever’s making them uncomfortable or anxious,” Saltz notes. She adds that in some cases, the person is aware of what they’ve done “and very specifically, consciously, does not want to have to defend themselves, make a change, or deal with conflict.” That might sound like: For example, say someone has cheated on their significant other. In an attempt to preserve their own self-image, deny the wrongdoing, or even somehow justify it, they may accuse their partner of cheating. In doing so, they’re projecting their own guilt onto their partner. Other common examples of projection include things like: Some examples of gaslighting phrases—that are also examples of deflection—include: Examples of a verbal attack include: Saltz says there are many, many reasons people may deflect. Perhaps they have low self-esteem or anxiety, or the particular subject is very triggering for them. Maybe they’re the kind of person who “needs everything to be rosy all the time, and they don’t want to see that there’s a crack in the relationship,” she notes. “From a psychotherapy standpoint, deflection is primitive and not particularly healthy for a relationship intervention on that person’s part.” As she previously told mbg, narcissists want to be in control, but they never want to be responsible for anything negative. “When things don’t go according to their plan or they feel criticized or less than perfect,” she explains, “the narcissist places all the blame and responsibility on you.” For someone highly narcissistic, Saltz notes, “any questioning of them, anything that might reveal any weakness, would be too uncomfortable for them, and they may deflect for that reason.” Once you’ve shared that you’re hurt by their deflection, it’s OK to give them some time to mull things over. After all, Saltz notes, in the heat of the moment is when a deflector will have the hardest time actually listening. But if you give them time to think about their behavior and they’re still not owning up, Saltz says, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink. Some people simply can’t accept when they’ve done something wrong. If deflection is a recurring issue in your relationship around areas that are non-negotiables, such as raising children or finances, Saltz says you have to recognize when your own boundaries are being crossed, and when to walk away. Deflection within a relationship can only go on for so long before the problems fester, get worse, and create anger and frustration for the person who’s on the receiving end, she adds. “It’s not good for the person who’s experiencing deflection, but it’s also not great for the person who’s doing the deflecting if they want to maintain that relationship.” While we may all unconsciously deflect once in a while, it’s often a consistent behavior for narcissists and other toxic people. If deflection is a persistent issue in your relationship, that’s not a relationship with strong communication, which is what healthy relationships are all about. If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They’re available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website.
