Especially around the New Year, the chase to quickly evolve into a whole new you can become engulfing, overstimulating, and even addicting. We asked experts about how to tell when your self-help journey stops being helpful at all and how to get back on track. This high generally comes up around the time you start a new habit, self-help book, or personal growth program. “There’s an initial rush when we connect with something that seems like it can solve our problems,” clinical psychologist Chloe Charmichael, Ph.D., explains. From there, your brain begins to focus on a different, theoretical version of yourself, or what psychologists call your “aspirational self,” Carmichael says. At first, this new habit might make you feel like you’re finally doing it, evolving into your ideal self and closing the gap between who you’ve been and who you want to be. (Someone who is more organized, super fit, more loving in relationships, etc.) When it doesn’t quite work out that way, for whatever reason, you’re likely left disappointed, feeling like you need yet another book or program to “fix” yourself. Then, you might immediately jump to your next goal without pause or reflection. The hardest part of this self-help addiction is that, on the surface, it doesn’t seem toxic at all—it even masks as beneficial. But just like going from one fad diet to the next, quickly switching from one self-help journey to another manifests in extreme stress and even self-hatred, with little to no reward. What’s more, the toxic mindset that once you fix that imperfect part of yourself, you’ll be worthy of love and respect, makes you even more obsessed with finishing the journey so you can finally be worthy. Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, a therapist who’s seen self-help addiction firsthand, says that in these situations, it helps to remember that evolution doesn’t need to always be guided by a book or paid program—it can, in fact, just happen. By this logic, the best thing you can do for yourself in moments of overwhelm is to take a solid break. “There have been times when I say [to clients], ‘I don’t want you to read anything. I think you’re working too hard. Just slow down and pay attention,’” Caraballo notes. When you stop absorbing information, it gives you a minute to look inward and, quite frankly, be bored. “The important questions are there; the answers are there,” Caraballo says of this space of silence. When you’re less consumed with a certain goal and path, you may realize that you’re actually better off going after something completely different. The key is to engage in self-help in moderation and with intention and realism. If you want to get more fit but you’ve never cared about weight or numbers, then don’t make your end goal a number. Instead, think about why you want to be fit, like having the stamina to play with your kids or feeling more confident in your body. This step is essential because if you’re not sure of your goal, you can’t measure progress. “If you start something like meditation, for example, but never knew what you wanted out of it, then it can get really muddy,” life coach and writer Alex Shea tells mbg. When you’ve tried meditating for a week but don’t see any “progress,” then you might be tempted to quit and move on, for example. The problem, Shea explains, is that you didn’t know what you were looking for in the first place. If you’re having trouble finding your why, confiding in a trusted friend, close family member, or a therapist can be immensely helpful. It’s OK, and even beneficial, to have an era when you’re consuming information and another era when you’re simply observing. Swinging back and forth between the two will help you stay motivated, prevent burnout, and overcome the temptation to jump to a new goal right away. What’s more, “Research shows that people who cultivate an incrementalist mindset are much more successful in reaching their goals,” Carmichael notes. Especially if you’re taking a broad goal like eating healthier food or becoming a better partner, this will take more than a few weeks and one good book—so go into it knowing it will be a work in progress.
