Have you found that your relationship history is filled with one wound-triggering issue after the other? Do your attachment issues keep you from getting close to your partner? Do your partner’s attachment issues keep you from getting inside those defensive walls? If so, you’re not alone. Here’s how you can understand and actually heal your attachment issues in your relationships. Whatever attachment style you have—secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, or disorganized avoidant—was formed early in your life. Your attachment style is not a “conscious choice”; it’s based on the degree of attunement, loving connection, security, and safety you experienced with your parents or caregivers. And because your attachment style was formed based on your experience with intimate caregiving relationships, your attachment style in adulthood will be most obvious within intimate relationships. Your attachment wounds are exposed in intimate relationships where vulnerability, trust, and safety are most vital. That’s why someone you really care about can deeply trigger your wounds; someone you know peripherally simply doesn’t get close enough to know or activate your wounds. As ideal as this sounds, even people with a secure attachment style can get triggered now and again. When two securely attached people are in a relationship, ruptures happen infrequently and are often healed smoothly. However, if one securely attached person partners with someone who is not securely attached, ongoing issues can surely arise. So, if you’re a securely attached person in relationship with an insecurely attached person, your overall work is to stay steady and hold your “secure attachment ground.” Due to a deep fear of being alone and losing a relationship, the anxiously attached person may be very clingy and highly dependent. Those with anxious attachment can be reactive, emotionally hypersensitive, and prone to accepting less than they deserve in relationships. Although often submissive, the anxiously attached person can become aggressive if triggered. Fears of potential rejection or abandonment often lurk—even if there is no reason to suspect that a partner is unfaithful or uncommitted. The good news is, you can change your attachment style. If you don’t have a secure attachment style, you can surely do self-work to shift into healthier relationship dynamics. And, if you’re in a relationship, profound positive shifts can occur when both partners consciously invest in healing their attachment wounds. The goal is not to judge or blame anyone (including yourself); the goal is simply to increase your awareness about your own attachment wounds. For example, you might write: For example, you might notice a theme of feeling triggered when your partner does not show you enough attention; this would tell you that one of your core wounds is not receiving sufficient, loving connection. As another example, you might realize that you often criticize your partner and set off conflicts; this might tell you that one of your core wounds is not knowing how to connect in loving, intimate ways. The goal is to compassionately identify your wounds to increase your self-awareness. This increased awareness will help you to appreciate your wounds and share them with your partner. For example, you may recall that one or both of your parents were rarely attentive and often distracted with work issues. You may then realize that your partner’s habit of multitasking during discussions makes you feel ignored and rejected. This connection will help you appreciate that it’s important for you to have a partner who is willing to give you focused, considerate attention. For example, you might say to a partner, “I feel hurt when you multitask while I’m talking to you. I feel loved and connected when you focus on me during our conversations.” This clear and mindful “I-feel-I-need” template gives your partner the opportunity to care for your attachment wounds intentionally in the present moment. Sometimes, however, partners don’t respond in healthy ways and may even purposefully provoke wounds. As well, even well-intentioned partners unconsciously revert to old habits. If a partner triggers an old wound even after you’ve explained the issue, it’s important to restate your needs and hold your boundaries. Sadly, there are times that a partner won’t want to engage in new, healthy dynamics; in such cases, it’s often wise to move forward with self-love. Blending traditional psychotherapy with alternative mindfulness practices, Manly knows the importance of creating healthy balance, awareness, and positivity in life. Recognizing the need for greater somatic awareness in society, Dr. Manly has integrated components of mindfulness, meditation, and yoga into her private psychotherapy practice and public course offerings. Her psychotherapeutic model offers a highly personalized approach that focuses on discovering and understanding each individual’s unique needs and life-path goals.
