Before you find that special someone, or really, before you even start looking in earnest, you owe yourself (and your future partner) a self-check of sorts. Here are eight things to figure out about yourself before you fall in love: Our attachment styles can affect how we engage with our partners in numerous ways. For instance, one 2019 study found that a fearful-avoidant attachment1 style is “predictive of more sexual partners in individuals during [a person’s] lifetime and [of] greater sexual compliance.” If your parents were hot and cold with you as you grew up, you may find yourself anxious in relationships as an adult. If they consistently withheld affection from you and even neglected your needs, you may have an issue with boundaries now. These scenarios are understandable; if we didn’t get something as children, we often chase what we missed out on as adults. There’s no sense in beating yourself up about it, but becoming conscious of your childhood-era hang-ups can only help you when you finally fall in love. You can purposefully alter your knee-jerk reactions to affection and attraction, but only if you get to know yourself first. Often, this transformation happens with the help of a therapist. A 2019 study of subjects’ past romantic partners found a distinct similarity between them, “suggesting that there may indeed be a unique type of person each individual ends up with.” Researchers on that study also found that most subjects’ types remained stable through multiple relationships and over the years. In this instance, you may just want to find some awareness about the things that turn you on, knowing that you can’t necessarily change who draws you in. Ultimately, it’s up to you which boundaries are nonnegotiable, but before you fall in love with someone, you may want to find out where you stand on certain things. A study at the University of California, Los Angeles, found that sexual dissatisfaction was a strong indicator of relationship dissatisfaction and an eventual breakup. You can work on satisfaction by finding out how to achieve your own. Do your future partner a favor and explore what turns you on before the two of you even meet. Undoubtedly, you’ll discover things together, and that’s a fun pathway to preserve, but one way to be “good at sex” is to know what parts of the whole thing you really enjoy. That’s not to say you have to enter each relationship with an ironclad 10-year plan, but you should have some hazy ideas of the future. If, for instance, you know in your gut that you want to live in a certain city for at least a few more years, stick to your guns when you date someone new. There’s no sense in throwing your entire identity out the window just to keep your partner around; that’ll end ugly for both of you. It can be extremely tough to take an impartial view of your past experiences, especially when it comes to love, but as you prepare to meet someone special, just try to reflect. If everyone you’ve ever been with has dumped you, did these people give you any overlapping feedback? If you’re usually the dumper, what did you learn from letting people down easily? What led to your lack of interest, and how can you avoid dating people who have that trait in the future?
