But even after I left my husband, my identity stayed with him. I was blinded by the emotional destruction my marriage had on my mental health. Instead of healing, I became numb. I distanced myself from my emotions in an effort to never feel the same vulnerability again. It wasn’t until after I walked away for the last time that I learned why it had really failed. I realized that my inability to tune into my feelings about a difficult past had doomed it from the start. People can be emotionally unavailable for a lot of different reasons, but I believe that a troubled past is often the root cause. During this time in my life, I was that intensely unattached partner. Here’s what I want you to know about dating an emotionally unavailable person: My partner and I would feed each other’s desire to have a functioning relationship, and together we would ignore everything that led to our breakups. With each new start, I would convince myself that this time was going to be different without acknowledging my fear to truly commit. Emotionally unavailable people will keep you close enough that you won’t stray, but they are still holding a lot of extra rope on their side. Companionship makes them feel safe, and they’ll do whatever it takes to hold onto it — even be dishonest about how they’re really feeling. Emotionally unavailable people see a relationship as a source of comfort — something to occupy their time until something better comes along. They have to choose to mend this mentality in their own time. You will not fix them with romantic leaps or signs of commitment. Emotionally unavailable people are selfish. They convince you that whatever you are doing for them you are really doing for yourself. This narcissistic behavior typically stems from past heartbreak. At one point, they probably loved deeply, passionately, and vulnerably, and had it end in agony. In response, they want to make sure that their needs are always met so nothing can be taken from them again. Emotionally unavailable people are honest about the fact that they’re noncommittal. They are not immune to heartbreak — that’s why they won’t put themselves in a position where someone has enough control to break their heart. If you think the person you are dating is emotionally unavailable, you should talk to your partner about it, but keep in mind that their behavior won’t change just because of one conversation. Emotionally unavailable people need to work through their intimacy issues on their own, and they have to make the decision to do so for themselves. Emotionally unavailable people will often not be who you wish they were, and it’s important to understand that this has nothing to do with you. Some people come into our lives to stay a lifetime, and some only to teach us something. It is crucial to your happiness that you learn to understand the difference between the two. Related reads:
