If you suspect that the guy you’re hanging out with or crushing on isn’t interested in a serious relationship with you, and that’s something that you do want and have been hoping for, it’s best to just ask him about it directly. That’s truly the only way you’re going to get a definitive answer. If the idea of him liking those things feels at odds with what you know about him and his personality, that’s probably a sign that you know on a gut level that he’s not a “relationship guy.” And if the subject of how he feels about relationships hasn’t come up yet? Ask him directly and see what he says. What’s more, if he makes you feel guilty for wanting to clarify what’s going on between you two, he is already signaling that he doesn’t want to be responsible for your emotional needs or meeting your expectations. You shouldn’t be the only one trying to figure out where things are going. If he’s not thinking about it, it’s likely because he’s not interested in it going anywhere at all. Usually if someone is open to a serious relationship, they’ll be pretty upfront about that when asked about it. A person who wants to date you seriously will not hesitate to tell you once you’ve directly asked them about it. If they aren’t willing to say one way or the other whether they’re open to a long-term commitment with you, it’s often a sign that it’s not something they’re that interested in at the moment. People often choose to be vague about their intentions when they think the other person won’t like what they hear. “Some people may choose not to label their relationship because they’re afraid of being tied down too quickly or in a place where they feel trapped,” relationship therapist Shena Tubbs, MMFT, LPC, CSAT-C, once told mbg. “However, one should understand that you maintain full autonomy of yourself in every relationship you’re in, and you are the one who is responsible for communicating what you need, what you want, and what you don’t want. So if you feel you’re at a place where you cannot (or don’t want) to date one person exclusively, that should be communicated to your partner so that [they] can make a decision about whether that works for them.” In other words, saying you “don’t do labels” cannot be a stand-in for having a conversation about what you both expect from each other. You two should still be able to get on the same page about whether you’re romantically and sexually exclusive, what the expectations you both have for each other are, whether you want your current relationship to be long term, and whether you’re interested in eventually living together, getting married, and those sorts of things. It’s OK to not want these things, but if he’s avoiding telling you how he feels about all this and keeping you in the dark, take that as a red flag. Not sure? Ask if he’s still on the apps or talking to anyone else or if he’d pursue a connection if a new person came around. (Note: Some people aren’t into monogamous relationships, which is totally cool, but you two should be on the same page about that if that’s the case.) If neither of you has suggested getting together in person yet, make the first move and ask him out. If he consistently dodges, flakes, or just can’t seem to make time for you, he probably isn’t interested enough in dating you. “They may be emotionally aloof, stiff,” she writes in her book Speaking in Thumbs: A Psychiatrist Decodes Your Relationship Texts So You Don’t Have To. “There is no smiling in the language, no winking, no raised eyebrow, no blushing. They may as well be sending you the snail emoji, for all the energy that’s coming your way.” If he generally responds with one-word answers to your texts, never initiates conversations, or never asks you questions back, the interest in a relationship might be just as one-sided as your texts. If he never seems interested in having deeper conversations with you, it’s possible that he simply isn’t interested in getting to know you on a deeper level. Likewise, take note if he never seems to remember details about you or your life. If he isn’t putting effort into making you feel special and wanted, it may be because he simply doesn’t see you that way. People will make time for the things and people they care about. “If they want to be in a relationship with you, they will show up. They will keep asking you out, they will want to see you a lot, and they will want to move in that direction,” therapist and life coach Tess Brigham, MFT, BCC, once told mbg. “They will ask you to things that are significant, and they will talk about plans for the future.” (Here are some signs your relationship is getting more serious, by the way.) “There are a lot of reasons people date casually, ranging from wanting to gain more interpersonal experience with people to whom you’re attracted, to avoiding the emotional attachment that comes with deeper levels of commitment, to just wanting to have fun,” sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, M.S., recently told mbg. “A lot of my clients are casually dating until someone presents themselves as a viable long-term partner, so sometimes it’s a stopgap between relationships.” It’s important to remember that people can enjoy connecting with each other without expectations for future commitments. Maybe he doesn’t like you romantically or doesn’t think there’s long-term compatibility, but he loves your company or thinks you’re great in bed. Maybe he isn’t looking for a romantic relationship right now in general, or at all—but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to connect with the fun and fascinating people around him. That said, if he’s a good guy who treats you well and just happens to not be looking for a relationship right now, then it may not be necessary to cut all ties. You don’t have to cut off someone just because they don’t want to be in a relationship with you. It all depends on what you’re comfortable with, how much you enjoy spending time with this person, and how spending time with them affects your ability to find what you’re looking for elsewhere. Some people enjoy having someone to casually date and hang out with (or even just a friend with benefits) while simultaneously continuing to look for a long-term partner. Others only like to date someone when they know there’s long-term potential. Ask yourself: Then see what he says. Be direct about what a relationship means to you, what kind of future you’re interested in with a long-term partner, and whether you’re comfortable continuing to hang out with a guy who isn’t on the same page as you. Yes, this requires some vulnerability. But just know that if someone really does like you and wants to be with you, you asking this question is not going to scare them away. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
