As psychotherapist Annette Nuñez, M.S., Ph.D., explains to mbg, red flags “give you a funny feeling that something isn’t right.” Just as you might “flag” something that you want to come back to, a red flag is kind of like putting a mental pin in a behavior you want to keep an eye on. Sometimes these red flags can be less extreme, and other times they’re a crystal clear sign to run for the hills. According to psychotherapist and relationship expert Ken Page, LCSW, they can range from “proceed with caution” to “absolutely don’t go there,” depending on the severity of the behavior, and your own relationship patterns and nonnegotiables. If you’re not quite sure, though, there are a number of things to consider, and it requires a degree of wisdom, according to Page. “We have to grow our capacity to discriminate, which basically means to trust ourselves,” he says. Do you recognize your own relationship patterns? Nuñez and Page both agree this is crucial. If you find yourself repeating the same old patterns and attracting the same kinds of people, don’t assume this time around is going to be any different. Similarly, you want to recognize your own triggers if you’ve been hurt before. What you might perceive as a red flag could very well be a projection, Page notes. It’s also important to understand the difference between workable differences and nonnegotiables, Nuñez explains. It can help to get clear on what your nonnegotiables are, plus what your “green flags” are. If a relationship has some minor challenges but meets all the nonnegotiables and green flags you’re looking for, you may be able to work through it. Know you deserve what you’re looking for and never have to settle, Nuñez adds. Page recommends leaning on your support system and talking to friends or loved ones you believe have a good sense of what a healthy relationship looks like. Their insight can help you see things clearly when you’ve got your blinders on, he adds. With all these things considered, it then comes down to communication. When you bring up your concerns with this person, how do they respond? Are they willing to work on it—and actually follow through? Can they communicate effectively and display emotional intelligence? If not, Nuñez and Page say it’s unlikely to be a successful relationship. Sometimes, we’re so desperate to “make it work,” we wind up abandoning ourselves, and if this is happening, Nuñez says it’s time to walk away. Again, healthy relationships involve equal give and take and should add to our happiness, not take away from it. She adds that often the red flags we identify early on turn out to be significant problems in the relationship. Without professional help, like couples’ therapy, she says, it’s not uncommon for red flag behaviors to get worse. Long story short: “If you’re not sure, talk to the person,” Page says. He offers his best mantra for communication, which is “Say what you mean; mean what you say, and don’t say it mean.” And if you do that and they don’t respond well, “that’s a sign of what your future’s going to look like,” he says. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They’re available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website.
